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Citrocet
Citrocet is a recurring villain in The Ripping Friends Animated TV Series. Early Life Citrocet was born to a large but poor family on the outer borders of Euroslavia during the Fifth Slavic Civil War. The war would not resolve itself until Citrocet was entering his second year of school, and horror and bloodshed he witnessed during the conflict had a lasting impact on his life. He writes in his long, dull, incredibly poorly edited autobiography that he once witnessed, on his way home from school one day, two men decapitated by an alleged Euroslav nationalist colonel. The duo were supposed separatists, and were executed in broad daylight as a demonstration to the populace. Citrocet spends 58 pages on this single brief episode and the ramifications on his psyche, which I personally think he greatly exaggerates. Take this passage: "Years later as I was exploring the destructive capacities of methane, I couldn't help but think of this sight - blood and dead humanity spilling onto the still, cold tears of the children while the vacant eyes (of the killer, of the victims, of the onlookers, maybe even of God himself) were dry, ossified, with no life in them whatsoever, and I realized then that the real destructive capacity does not come from bombs or gas or Mother Nature - no, it comes from inside of Man, inside of each and every one of us. It was then with this vision of horror and chaos in the bodies and minds of Man that I began to explore the capabilities of human methane." (My Life 249) The purple flowers adorning every overwrought word of this is pure poetic padding for a would-be slim volume of a sad and pathetic life makes me sick to my stomach. The rest of his boyhood passed with the usual adolescent stupor, with a fair amount of post-war anxiety and concern for money. His father died when he was fifteen, and you can be sure that he devoted thirty pages to it in his grotesque autobiography. I'll spare you the insipid details and summarize: young Citrocet after his father's funeral went through a three-year-long period of melancholia, wherein he attempted suicide in various capacities. Just as he was pulling himself out of the depths, his mother died, and Citrocet's mental health took a violent turn, which the wretch never seems to have recovered from. One would like to say that if he had not been exposed to the violence and bloodshed of war, or the death of his parents, Citrocet would have been a fair man, capable perhaps even of love. I find this very hard to believe. His family was a known clan of separatists, a disgusting and sterile philosophy, and I can't help but think that this poor, sad, European piece of shit was destined to be scum, but I digress. Violent Career Some may say that Citrocet turned to violence because of his upbringing and his circumstances; this is the image he himself suggested in that 900-page exercise in verbal paint-drying. Personally, I believe he was destined for degeneracy; it was in his DNA, and all he had to do was act on his primal barbarism implicit in his Slavic separatism and he was off to the races, so to speak. The greatest influence on young Citrocet in terms of his career was some philistine named Gunther Brass. There is an incredibly long depiction of this essential nobody in that essential nothing of a book, which may be summarized as: attractive, with a juicy ass which Citrocet (evidently) coveted still for years after the fact. I can find little independent information of Gunther Brass. I assume if he was teamed up with scum like Citrocet, he himself must have been straight out a dumpster heap. Citrocet was attracted to him, which means he may have been mildly attractive, but he could have also been a lumbering pair of bloated testicles - I'm not convinced the young cretin would know the difference. It is clear that this Brass character did absolutely nothing to stop the vitriolic temperament of our subject, for which we may condemn him, but I do recognize that it would have been a herculean task. I myself had the opportunity many years later, but I like to think that it was too late - he had been corrupted by the Ripping 'Friends' and a long life of vice and sin. Still, I wonder if perhaps I had pushed harder, if I had tried just a bit more, said things a bit differently, worked the angles a bit harder, might that demonic heap have become something resembling a man? Might that separatism been purged from his viscous blood? I worry. Encounters with the Ripping Friends The Ripping Friends began thwarting Citrocet's nonsense at some point before I was on the scene, but he was a reliable foe for those scumfuck bastards for quite some time as I understand it. They get ample attention in that long, stupid, insipid, disgusting, derivative, blithering disaster of an autobiography. After reading all five chapters (summing about 230 pages) on those hoodlums, I hate them nearly as much as I do Citrocet himself. Fuck the Ripping Friends and fuck Citrocet's stupid book, filled as it is with separatism and pedophilia. Death The fucker finally died when the universe exploded, and I think we can all be very thankful for that. Regrettably his book survived the flames, and forced me through a certain aversion for life and a hatred for myself to read it. Please spare yourself.